The Injury Bug Hits The Big Guy

I know what you're thinking, "This headline must be a ruse, Bert could never get injured. He's 10 feet tall and made of bulletproof steel!" Well, while most of that is true, it is not I that am injured, but my beloved fantasy footballers. You see my friends, Willie Parker has been out for a few weeks, LT has yet to be his incredible self, DAMN YOU CAMPBELL SOUP, DAMN YOU, and on Monday Night as we all watched with anticipation to see if Jay Cutler, Michael Pittman, and Wes Welker "Texas Ranger" could pull of the amazing comeback; both of the beloved Broncos went down with injuries. IN THE FIRST 5 FUCKING MINUTES!!!! To add salt to my wounds, Wes Welker has an amazing punt return, which I see no points for, that sets up Randy Moss's beauty of touchdown catch. Great for the Patriots, doesn't really effect Bert right? Wrong, Syeth "Boy of Wonder" Weldon decided to go against his better judgment and actually select a productive wide receiver. Damn you Boy of Wonder! Then on another play, the fearless boys for Chowda Land, decide to run a screen, with a beauty of a block by my own Wes Welker, to Randy Moss! Thanks to Welker "Texas Ranger" the Patriots go up by another six points and the Boy of Wonder puts our little fantasy match up to rest. Oh, and Jay Cutler's injured finger results in two ridiculously bad thrown balls and lead to interceptions. Thanks Jay, you're a real gem of a QB! Well, I'm done bashing my own team now lets move on to someone else.

Geoff's sister Leslie "Louder than a Church" Bell called me this week trying to get my email address. "Why?" I asked. Well, it turns out that Leslie, who is the dominant sibling in the Bell family and perhaps in the household all together, has a video from Geoff's youth. It is a must see she told me. As it turns out, Geoff as a little kid is just as nerdy and awkward as Geoff as a bigger kid. There was a video game released years ago for the Dreamcast system, I had never played it, that was called HALO. Unbeknown to all of us living in Georgia, this game was quite a hit. You see, Geoff was living in Orlando at the time and it seems video games were very popular there so he got a rare glimpse at the Halo series before it was released on our beloved XBOX. Well folks, Leslie was able to successfully upload the video onto the computer. As I go remember if you can't be good, then be good at it. And I leave you with; Geoff as a child:

Ref Tackles Cock?

Have you seen those Buffalo Wild Wing commercials? Where the referee forces the game into overtime so the people can continue drinking? Well, this referee must be a huge fan because watch what he does to the South Carolina player:



Hahahaha...fascinating.

The Heaviest Coffee Table Book Ever!

This is not even a real post, but I'm sharing a video for everyone to enjoy. This chick is filming herself singing with hilarious results.


Big Chick Falls Off Table - Watch more free videos

R-E-D-E-M-P-T-I-O-N SONG

Today
we spell redemption, B-I-G G-U-Y. The word of the weekend is redemption my friends. First it was Saturday afternoon with a ol' fashion UGA buttwhoopin' on them mountain folk, the Tennessee "We'll play anyone at quarterback, seriously we're taking" Volunteers. Your boy was thrown out of the game at the end of the first half for calling a fat bitch...well a fat bitch. But worry not my dear competitors, like a hard cock into a tight sorority girl, I found a way in. Then on Sunday, the Dirty Birds looked down and out after losing a lead which could have been cemented by Jason Elam. Again, no need to fret, Matt "Better than the steakhouse," Ryan's testicular fortitude to stay in the pocket was rewarded with a 26 yard pass. The completion left one...one second left on the clock and enough room for Jason Elam to, "totally redeem" himself! If that isn't the definition of redemption I have no idea what is. But wait, there's more. As if I needed the Monday Night Game to finalize the trifecta, On Monday, the Busch Leaguers proved just that, to be Busch League against the much more powerful and confident We Are Who You Thought We Were! My boys reached the century mark again, and with it will come the greatest winning streak of them all!

I was going to gloat about how badly I whooped Kyle, but then I checked the scoreboard and after a thorough examination I found that Kyle's ass kicking was but a mere after school special compared to some of the other more vile ass kickings this week. I'll start with the Kimbo Slice type knockout and I give you the PrimeTime Playaz over the socially inept Knowshon's Nig-Nogs. Wow, this ass kicked was perhaps the worst of Dulog's life. I'm sure it won't be the last but 63 points! 63! Good Lord almighty Jimmy, thats one point for every inch of shit that God stacked you, you miserably little bastard. I'm not sure which hurt worse, the ass kicking Bachler delivered to you or the fact that the Mutts can't even get a back to back streak going of making the playoffs, much less winning the division. Wow, atleast the Mutts have a streak going of biggest collapses, two straight years. Nicely down boys from Queens, nicely down.

But our beloved Dulog did not even suffer the worst defeat of the week, and quite possibly ever. That honor was bestowed on the bow legged younger brother Syeth Weldon and his mispelled and misled team, BRYDGANG. The Rodney King style beating was the single worst lopsided victory every witnessed in our league and should go down in history as the most pathetic attempt at anything ever, more than Geoff trying to dunk a basketball, Serillo trying to form complete sentences when drinking, ever. 81 point differential! 81! I'm pretty sure most of you cannot even count that high, much less beat a team by that much. Congratulations Murray, hopefully you have successfully beaten the stupid out of Syeth.

But on a lighter note, welcome to the winner's circle Justin. In what has to be the upset of the week, Frankenstein was able to beat the overconfident and plurally challenged Ice Man. Not even Reggie Wayne's big day or Tony Romo's big fantasy day, terrible reality though, could keep Justin out of getting that W. He had three players score in the twenties, and Maurice Jones "Nancy" Drew was the top performer of the week. Savor the flavor you little punk, cause it sure as hell ain't gonna happen again. But Justin I'm still proud of you, it's like when you become a father and you have a son. You try to teach that son to ride his bike without the training wheels. Justin, I've seen you fall and fall and fall and fall without those training wheels on, but every time you've gotten back up, skinned knee, bloody nose, what ever, and you've tried to ride that bike. Well son, you made it, congratulations, you made it. My advice for you, however, is to wear a helmet because I think another fall is coming.

Well, this week I face the team that has managed to score the lowest points all season in our league averaging an abysmal 61 points a game. You're going down Syeth, you and your whole B-Y-RDGANG, not BR-Y-DGANG, B-Y-RDGANG are going down! So please be good, and if you can't be good then be good at it! Boom!

A Tad? A Tad Lloyd?

There are hangovers and there are hangovers. As a Georgia fan, this one may last longer than most. As a former student of the sub par University of Alabama, this one will last another four years. That's how long it will take to get revenge on the team that has been the whipping boy for our beloved Bulldawgs for the past few years. Thank God, we were all blacked out! Like one of the most dynamic duos of our time, Llloyd and Harry, aka Mark Richt and Willie Martinez sat on the sidelines arguing as if they were stuck in the middle of Kansas after driving halfway across the country; "in the wrong directions!" I know that Knowshon left the game in the 4th quarter with a deep bruise on his elbow, but where was he in the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd quarters? For those that were counting, Georgia ran the ball 16 times, 16!!! That's one attempt for every year Geoff's mom has been disappointed with him. Appalled? You should be! In comparison, the Crimson Ripple ran the ball 45 times for a 129 yards. If Richt doesn't get his head out of his ass Vanderbilt might stay atop the SEC East for good. I'm hoping and betting, however, on a rematch in the Dome that pits The Dawgs against the Tide. Embarrassing. But that's enough about the weekend tat was college football, now on to fantasy football.

Like Georgia will respond against fat ass Fulmer, I responded with a huge win against our crooked League Manager! Your favorite team to ever grace ESPN's league, the greatest team ever assembled; We Are Who You Thought We Were defeated the previously undefeated MFers. I can hear your cheers through the computer, its what drives me. Knowing that each week you all escape your depressing, uneventful, bleak lives and log onto the internet, and even before your perverted little minds start racing to the freakish porn you so love to whack it to, you check the scoreboards. Not for your own teams, but to see how the most electrifying team in fantasy football history has done! You were all greeted with a decisive win this week; Your Welcome! So many people I want to thank, LT, you are finally coming back into form, Jericho Cotchery, I've always loved the name Jericho and this week you broke the walls down! Jay Cutler, not stellar but solid performance. Hell, Brett Favre had half of your 70 points Adama. The Big Guy has moved into first place in Division 2!

For the first time, possibly ever, I want to congratulate Geoff "Insert Your Zinger Here" Bell. Geoff had to deal with some major players having a bye week, which is actually his fault for not checking on that during the draft. But he surprised everyone and beat the lowly Bangalorians. Praveen, as of Monday at 10 30, you have 40 points! 40 points! Good lord kid, Justin had more this week. Geoff is going to walk away with a win and he doesn't need to score over fifty. You are an embarrassment, Praveen, an embarrassment to fantasy football managers everywhere. Leave the league bud, because I don't think your season is getting any better. Congratulations Geoff, you have for the first time in your life, exceeded expectations and are above average. You are above .500. Way to go bud. That's all for the Big Guy this week, and remember; If you can't be good, then be good at it!

Edit: I also want to congratulate Dan Zilske. Dan and I have assured that no one in this league will end the season undefeated. The Ice Man, apparently your team is just one single force of a man, has upset the previously undefeated and unchallenged Atl Underdawgs. It is once again anyone's league; as long as that anyone is me, baby, me!

Here We Go...

If dreams could fit into a real life situation tonight is the form they would take. While we are mere hours from what should be a very eventful evening with Kyle, I cannot divulge too much information. Well, then Big Guy, why are you blogging this afternoon? I am blogging to predict the week ahead in our fantasy football league. That's right, The Big Guy is adding a dimension to his award winning blog, (Named Best Fantasy Football Blog by both Popular Science and Boy's Life,) for the first time, predictions will be made. What to look for in the next week, and why my next opponent is terrible. Well maybe not all has changed and I promise, as always, to include a cheap shot at everyone's favorite loser Geoff "I Wish I Was Part of the Zach Attack on Saved by the" Bell.


Let me start off with predicting my game for the week, which pits the Most Electrifying Team in all of Fantasy Football; We Are Who You Thought We Were, versus the lowly, last place, almost as bad as Justin "Not So Smooth" Serillo's team, I'm talking about the racially agitating, Knowshon's Nig-Nogs. Like their coach James "My Future is as Clear as New York City's Water" Dulog in any situation, the Nig-Nogs are over-matched, outwitted, and outclassed. Dulog does have some things going for him; the freak Brandon Jacobs is playing well, Larry Johnson is going to get a lot of touches against the Dirty Birds, and Steven Jackson will be looking to make a statement against the Seahawks. That's all great but if I could take you back to the SATs and do an analogy for a minute it will prove why James and the Giant Peach will lose. Here we go...Jeff Garcia is to a job as James Dulog is to a win. Neither of them have one, now let's let you try a few; Jeff Garcia is to scoring points as James Dulog is to ____________. Jeff Garcia is to being named MVP as James Dulog is to ______________. Okay, put your pencils down, the answer I was looking for was beating Bert's amazing team this week. The connector was he won't, I would also have accepted, "waking up next to a girl without her screaming," or "succeeding," any of the above I would have accepted. But enough about James, he's having a bad year so far and it doesn't look as if the Mutts are going to be able to keep it together either.


Now onto the picks...


Game 1: Busch Leaguer vs. #24-4-Heisman (The actual Busch Leaguer)


Prediction: Busch Leaguers 88, Heisman -14
Yes, it's Kyle's big weekend, and it's Justin aka Frankenstein nightmare that is his life, he loses big in this one and fails to make it back to the status, that being the zero that is his future.


Game 2: Ice Man (Is your team actually one man? Like the Power Rangers form a huge beast that is the Ice Man?) vs Messa Vista Monkies (You do know it is spelled Monkeys right Arash?)


Prediction: Ice Man 95, Monkies (wow) 93
This one will be the closest of the week, but the abysmal offense of the Bucs will result in the big points of da Bears defense. Look for Hester to return a big one for 6. I also love the Witten and Romo selections. I do however love Arash's picture for his team's logo, priceless.


Game 3: Bangalore vs. I Get Money


Prediction: Bangalore 67, Get Money 64
The worst game of the week features our league manager and our beloved
Banglorian friend Praveen. I don't see ADP playing many downs and I see Rivers having a huge game. My only question, Praveen, why do you have so many awful quarterbacks? One is sufficient.


Game 4: PrimeTime vs. Brydgang? (I'm guessing you can't spell, but that would explain Syeth)


Prediction: PrimeTime 84, Brydgang 76
Bryan, welcome to the win column. Savor the flavor kid because it might not happen again.


Game 5: BWeezy vs. Atl Underdawgs


Prediction: Atl Underdawgs 108, BWeezy 101
Yes folks, its true, Murray stays undefeated and keeps pace with the league leader, which just happens to be the Big Guy. This is going to be a high scoring game
though, as I think Drew Brees and Terrell Owens have the chance to score in the 20s and the chance for BWeezy to have multiple touchdowns with Brees and have the recipients of those TDs in Shockey and Henderson, I can see an upset here. I'm sticking with Murray and Manning however, I also like Forte, oh and Marshawn Lynch is going to have perhaps the biggest week of anyone.


Well all of the games have been predicted, but I can't help to make this bold, BOLD prediction; even though Geoff has a bye this week, I think he might still find a way to get a loss, crowning him the all time biggest loser in fantasy football history! That's all for me today, and as always, if you can't be good, then be good at it.

Chalk It Up!

That's right ladies and underachievers, The Big Guy and his band of superiority was victorious in week 1. I know, I know, I played and Geoff and his gang of retards, but its a win nonetheless. I actually will stand up for the numb minded Geoff, he actually drafted an alright team. He just had one mistake, had he not started the Jets' receiver that Favre can't find, (or if he drafted the right Jets' receiver, which is what I did), and instead put in the high flying Hank Basket, he would have won. But in classic Geoff fashion, he made the wrong decisions and lost. If he only had a nickel for every time that's happened, Geoff would be able to own an actual NFL team.

But enough about Geoff, even though it's early Geoff may not have had the worst draft. So far all fingers point to my man; Justin "Not So Smooth" Serillo. With the third pick in this year's fantasy draft Justin selects his draft to go down in flames! It's over bud, it is over. Your team is like a failed STD test; it's just bad news. Your top earner is your defense, barely beating out two receivers. Wow, you scored 54 points last week which is actually the same as your IQ. Now you have left your team in the hands of David Garrard. Good fucking luck bud. You've got about as good a chance winning with that QB as DuLog does being happy in life. Justin if I were you I would kill myself, you have no hope of doing anything productive in the next year, and I'm not just talking about fantasy football. Your life is over pal.

Well, I have nothing else to rant about. I had a great weekend up in South Bend watching Notre Dame surviving an upset bid by the much feared San Diego State Aztecs. It was a great time and I'm in a great mood. I have high hopes for this season fellas, wish I could say the same for you.
Imag provided by Sports Illustrated's website.

The First of Many

Yes, it's true, sadly, but inevitably, true: I have started my own blog. Because I have found the ESPN League Office to be too small, too bland, and too Disney, I have created my own haven where I will be able to run my mouth freely about how terrible, inferior, and weak your teams are in comparison to the greatest team in the world: We Are Who You Thought We Were. I want to start by thanking Kyle Farrell, without his ingenious idea this blog would never exist. It does and his suggestion has created the most angelic, superficial, explosive blog on all of the Intranet. Thank you Kyle, thank you.

I also want to thank Geoff "I Don't Think I Could Lift a 5 Pound Dumb" Bell, because of you my team will be on the fast track to success. You will have the dubious honor of being my first win. Don't be ashamed Geoff, it will be the first of many, and may even be a close one since it is early and my best running...excuse the best running back in the game has yet to play an actual down of football yet. Yes, I'm talking about LT, the undisputed first pick of any and all drafts. I must say that unlike you Geoff, I relish the fact that I picked first and unlike your mother with a hung Mexican from Tijuana, I didn't blow it. I also would like to thank you Geoff because you will undoubtedly be the most picked on, most hated, and most heckled of all the fantasy football participants this way. It isn't planned like that, but like failure and yourself, it is a self-fulfilled prophecy. You just always seem to set yourself up for it.

Well, this has been an uneventful post, but I am gearing up to travel up to South Bend, Indiana to watch the beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish destroy the barbaric San Diego State Aztecs. Enjoy your Saturday Geoff, because your hang over is going to last an entire week, a week of me berating you with insults at how pathetic your team was in our game. The picture up top represents what I am going to do to you (In case you were wondering you are an exposed Rex Grossman).