"Chickens have the uncanny ability to think..."

Never underestimate the power of stupidity. Wow, I have never written one of these "Notes," but after reading what I am about to post I had to spread the "knowledge." What you are about to read are answers that Michael Vick submitted on a test given by PETA in 2007. The test was called, "Developing Empathy." Vick was graded by PETA and earned a 73.5, which in most scales is .5 above a D, which stands for dumb ass. To make matters worse for young Michael, he was not graded on spelling and if you read the article you can see this dramatically worked in his favor. Beyond all logic and reasoning, in the same sentence Vick spells the word, "studies," two different ways. I could go on and on about the past and present tenses he goes in and out of or the fact the he spelled more past tense words wrong than he did right. Or his spelling of "animasl" or his theory about chickens, but I will save those judgments for the audience. I will however, point to the answer in which I believe truly sums up how sorry Michael Vick is by directing your attention to answer 4, to which he was awarded no points.

On why it is bad to keep animals in cages, and keep in mind this question is based on a video he was supposed to watch;
"Animals bite on cages & on themselves. Growth become stunted."

Those are the only problems he sees. I am amazed. In response to the test PETA has backed out of an agreement that they would shoot a commercial with Vick approving of his return to the NFL. It is presumed Vick's lawyers will not take them to court over the matter.

Link:
http://blog.peta.org/archives/Empathy%20class%20test.pdf

What's In a Name?

Fear not citizens of the fantasy world, your King is back! After a 6 week hiatus, perhaps a bit more, the most electrifying manager in fantasy sports has decided to once again grace the pages of his hallowed grounds again. I know everyday that you throw your pathetic body to the ground as you drop to your knees, no this is not another joke about Geoff's mom, and put your grubby little palms together, look up to the almighty and say, "God, please give Bert the strength to blog today. He is so miraculous and wonderful, so powerful and wise, I need his knowledge, wisdom, and all around good humor to get me through the day. After he embarrassingly whipped up on all of us weak, frail, incompetent fantasy managers, he has not blogged about it. No insight, not even his customary rubbing it in our lame, dull, moot faces."

Well, your prayers have been answered!

We Are Who You Thought We Were! What a team, what a name. But, what's in a name? Well, the name of my team said it all. Here we are on the crisp of what is the NFC and AFC Championship games. Arguably, in years past these two games have been better than the world's most watched program, the Super Bowl! Like this past fantasy season, there were underdogs, there were powerhouses, and then there were those teams that you just knew were going to be there in the end. Well, folks I ask again, what's in a name?

If we may see how the season played out and how the boys from Bertropolis were able to take down an entire league. We'll hit the highlights:

Before week 1 even started there was history brewing, the Mean Street Womb Raiders, last year's runners-up and most wins, longest winning streak (the GD award is named after this hard working, overachieving bunch), and all around satisfying team was dismantled. No more would we hear the girlish screams, the blood curdling, last ditch efforts for mercy being screamed by the competition. The Womb Raiders had invaded their final womb. But like a phoenix, a new team emerged, stronger, more focused, and definitely more electric! The fantasy world was put on its ass as they looked in awe at this marvelous spectacle. The ashes that lay around it were the Womb Raiders of old but they would soon be welcoming new blood as the victims piled up. 9 wins, that was what the Womb Raiders accomplished in the regular season, but they could not win the big one! They took home their division, conference championships but the hunger remained. And then it happened, much to the demise of the Who Run it? league, your very own MUFF (Most Unprecedented Fantasy Footballer) was awarded the first pick of the draft! I did not disappoint. Sure LT didn't have the best season ever, but it was his selection that brought this team together. The selfless number 1 pick stood out on this team and let all the picks that followed know; this is not about a player, its about a team!

Then, after the team's were assembled our very own toothless wonder, Kyle Farrell, made the undubious decision to suggest the Big Guy start a blog! Can you say, "F-O-R-E-S-H-A-D-O-W"!

Week 1) Perhaps the most underachieving team around, Eat Me! fell victim to WAWYTWW. Like the pussy he is, I ate him.

Week 2) The league was given a break as WAWYTWW is given a bye.

Week 3) Dulog's racist team finds a way to beat me with their sprite trickery! Good luck in the playoffs, Dulog, oh wait your team was too awful to make the playoffs! Suck it bro!

Week 4) Bert takes down our fearless league manager in a fiery blaze! What a game, what a game, except for the fact that I won by 23 points! Wow!

Week 5) Just like the dignity of an Indian or Pakistani, I lost it. Praveen used some sort of ancient wisdom to pull a victory out of nothing, I scored hardly any points and blame it all on Gilgamesh.

Week 6) As if the encouragement of creating a blog wasn't enough, Kyle receives the largest ass whoopin' in fantasy history (At the time) 104-58! So what's in a name? Kyle's team was Busch League, and my team, well Were Are Who You Thought We Were! This won't be the last time these two teams meet.

Weeks 7 & 8) Bert's first and last losing streak! These are the losses that triggered the greatest streak and postseason fury ever! I thank both teams, you gave me the motivation to press on and realize my potential. Over the next 8 weeks, I would lose only 1 game!

Weeks 9-13) Total Domination! Every woman and child having any relation to the teams that fell victim all became pregnant instantaneously after their respective, using the word lightly, teams losses.

Playoffs Week 1) Perhaps the greatest single performance in fantasy history! Let's take a trip down memory lane! I'm sitting at home, I'm doing the math. I need 31 points to pull out a victory over the PrimeTime Playaz, and I have one player: Antonio Bryant. Famous for having a bad attitude and mediocre seasons, very unlike anything the Big Guy's teams are known for, I almost need a miracle. Well the clouds opened, the light shineth down, and the good Lord he sayeth, BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!!!!!! Bryant has the game of the year, scoring me 34! 3-4! points, turning in the greatest comeback, performance, and most likely to be a Big Guy fantasy pick ever! Giving life back to the life support ridden team!

Playoffs Week 2) Snooze fest, Hummel wins 90-51, wow! The fake BWeezy, loses to the manager formerly known as BWeezy by 39 points! Bring on the Super Bowl!

Playoffs Week 3, SUPERBOWL) As team Busch League rolls itself into the final round it finds a brick wall waiting. What's in a name? Well, as if foreshadowing, as if comebacks, as if a BLOG and a week 6 beat down were not enough for you to turn in to this game, then you do not have a pulse! I said earlier there exists games in which you look back and say, that should have been the Super Bowl, those were two evenly matched teams, I am satisfied. This was not one of those games. I said earlier that Kyle was on the bad end of an anal scoreboard raping, losing 104-58, that's 46 points! Pretty bad, well this game was one for the ages as the most electrifying team in fantasy football forever synonymous with Greatness poured out its best performance ever! Ever! Kyle lost 106-48! 58 points! In a championship game! What a loser, what a loser! IDIOT! I beat him by more than he scored! So weak, so weak! I actually even heard that Liz might divorce him or get the marriage annulled because she was so ashamed. God Kyle, I beat you worse than any hockey puck ever has...well let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

And so I ask you again, what's in a name?

You all knew I would be crowned victorious, it was a matter of time, after competing for the football title last year and then the baseball title the following year, this time the shoe fit! I was the bell of the ball, the engine that could, but all you were knew that and were left to say, "They were who we thought they were." That is what's in a name!

The Injury Bug Hits The Big Guy

I know what you're thinking, "This headline must be a ruse, Bert could never get injured. He's 10 feet tall and made of bulletproof steel!" Well, while most of that is true, it is not I that am injured, but my beloved fantasy footballers. You see my friends, Willie Parker has been out for a few weeks, LT has yet to be his incredible self, DAMN YOU CAMPBELL SOUP, DAMN YOU, and on Monday Night as we all watched with anticipation to see if Jay Cutler, Michael Pittman, and Wes Welker "Texas Ranger" could pull of the amazing comeback; both of the beloved Broncos went down with injuries. IN THE FIRST 5 FUCKING MINUTES!!!! To add salt to my wounds, Wes Welker has an amazing punt return, which I see no points for, that sets up Randy Moss's beauty of touchdown catch. Great for the Patriots, doesn't really effect Bert right? Wrong, Syeth "Boy of Wonder" Weldon decided to go against his better judgment and actually select a productive wide receiver. Damn you Boy of Wonder! Then on another play, the fearless boys for Chowda Land, decide to run a screen, with a beauty of a block by my own Wes Welker, to Randy Moss! Thanks to Welker "Texas Ranger" the Patriots go up by another six points and the Boy of Wonder puts our little fantasy match up to rest. Oh, and Jay Cutler's injured finger results in two ridiculously bad thrown balls and lead to interceptions. Thanks Jay, you're a real gem of a QB! Well, I'm done bashing my own team now lets move on to someone else.

Geoff's sister Leslie "Louder than a Church" Bell called me this week trying to get my email address. "Why?" I asked. Well, it turns out that Leslie, who is the dominant sibling in the Bell family and perhaps in the household all together, has a video from Geoff's youth. It is a must see she told me. As it turns out, Geoff as a little kid is just as nerdy and awkward as Geoff as a bigger kid. There was a video game released years ago for the Dreamcast system, I had never played it, that was called HALO. Unbeknown to all of us living in Georgia, this game was quite a hit. You see, Geoff was living in Orlando at the time and it seems video games were very popular there so he got a rare glimpse at the Halo series before it was released on our beloved XBOX. Well folks, Leslie was able to successfully upload the video onto the computer. As I go remember if you can't be good, then be good at it. And I leave you with; Geoff as a child:

Ref Tackles Cock?

Have you seen those Buffalo Wild Wing commercials? Where the referee forces the game into overtime so the people can continue drinking? Well, this referee must be a huge fan because watch what he does to the South Carolina player:



Hahahaha...fascinating.

The Heaviest Coffee Table Book Ever!

This is not even a real post, but I'm sharing a video for everyone to enjoy. This chick is filming herself singing with hilarious results.


Big Chick Falls Off Table - Watch more free videos

R-E-D-E-M-P-T-I-O-N SONG

Today
we spell redemption, B-I-G G-U-Y. The word of the weekend is redemption my friends. First it was Saturday afternoon with a ol' fashion UGA buttwhoopin' on them mountain folk, the Tennessee "We'll play anyone at quarterback, seriously we're taking" Volunteers. Your boy was thrown out of the game at the end of the first half for calling a fat bitch...well a fat bitch. But worry not my dear competitors, like a hard cock into a tight sorority girl, I found a way in. Then on Sunday, the Dirty Birds looked down and out after losing a lead which could have been cemented by Jason Elam. Again, no need to fret, Matt "Better than the steakhouse," Ryan's testicular fortitude to stay in the pocket was rewarded with a 26 yard pass. The completion left one...one second left on the clock and enough room for Jason Elam to, "totally redeem" himself! If that isn't the definition of redemption I have no idea what is. But wait, there's more. As if I needed the Monday Night Game to finalize the trifecta, On Monday, the Busch Leaguers proved just that, to be Busch League against the much more powerful and confident We Are Who You Thought We Were! My boys reached the century mark again, and with it will come the greatest winning streak of them all!

I was going to gloat about how badly I whooped Kyle, but then I checked the scoreboard and after a thorough examination I found that Kyle's ass kicking was but a mere after school special compared to some of the other more vile ass kickings this week. I'll start with the Kimbo Slice type knockout and I give you the PrimeTime Playaz over the socially inept Knowshon's Nig-Nogs. Wow, this ass kicked was perhaps the worst of Dulog's life. I'm sure it won't be the last but 63 points! 63! Good Lord almighty Jimmy, thats one point for every inch of shit that God stacked you, you miserably little bastard. I'm not sure which hurt worse, the ass kicking Bachler delivered to you or the fact that the Mutts can't even get a back to back streak going of making the playoffs, much less winning the division. Wow, atleast the Mutts have a streak going of biggest collapses, two straight years. Nicely down boys from Queens, nicely down.

But our beloved Dulog did not even suffer the worst defeat of the week, and quite possibly ever. That honor was bestowed on the bow legged younger brother Syeth Weldon and his mispelled and misled team, BRYDGANG. The Rodney King style beating was the single worst lopsided victory every witnessed in our league and should go down in history as the most pathetic attempt at anything ever, more than Geoff trying to dunk a basketball, Serillo trying to form complete sentences when drinking, ever. 81 point differential! 81! I'm pretty sure most of you cannot even count that high, much less beat a team by that much. Congratulations Murray, hopefully you have successfully beaten the stupid out of Syeth.

But on a lighter note, welcome to the winner's circle Justin. In what has to be the upset of the week, Frankenstein was able to beat the overconfident and plurally challenged Ice Man. Not even Reggie Wayne's big day or Tony Romo's big fantasy day, terrible reality though, could keep Justin out of getting that W. He had three players score in the twenties, and Maurice Jones "Nancy" Drew was the top performer of the week. Savor the flavor you little punk, cause it sure as hell ain't gonna happen again. But Justin I'm still proud of you, it's like when you become a father and you have a son. You try to teach that son to ride his bike without the training wheels. Justin, I've seen you fall and fall and fall and fall without those training wheels on, but every time you've gotten back up, skinned knee, bloody nose, what ever, and you've tried to ride that bike. Well son, you made it, congratulations, you made it. My advice for you, however, is to wear a helmet because I think another fall is coming.

Well, this week I face the team that has managed to score the lowest points all season in our league averaging an abysmal 61 points a game. You're going down Syeth, you and your whole B-Y-RDGANG, not BR-Y-DGANG, B-Y-RDGANG are going down! So please be good, and if you can't be good then be good at it! Boom!

A Tad? A Tad Lloyd?

There are hangovers and there are hangovers. As a Georgia fan, this one may last longer than most. As a former student of the sub par University of Alabama, this one will last another four years. That's how long it will take to get revenge on the team that has been the whipping boy for our beloved Bulldawgs for the past few years. Thank God, we were all blacked out! Like one of the most dynamic duos of our time, Llloyd and Harry, aka Mark Richt and Willie Martinez sat on the sidelines arguing as if they were stuck in the middle of Kansas after driving halfway across the country; "in the wrong directions!" I know that Knowshon left the game in the 4th quarter with a deep bruise on his elbow, but where was he in the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd quarters? For those that were counting, Georgia ran the ball 16 times, 16!!! That's one attempt for every year Geoff's mom has been disappointed with him. Appalled? You should be! In comparison, the Crimson Ripple ran the ball 45 times for a 129 yards. If Richt doesn't get his head out of his ass Vanderbilt might stay atop the SEC East for good. I'm hoping and betting, however, on a rematch in the Dome that pits The Dawgs against the Tide. Embarrassing. But that's enough about the weekend tat was college football, now on to fantasy football.

Like Georgia will respond against fat ass Fulmer, I responded with a huge win against our crooked League Manager! Your favorite team to ever grace ESPN's league, the greatest team ever assembled; We Are Who You Thought We Were defeated the previously undefeated MFers. I can hear your cheers through the computer, its what drives me. Knowing that each week you all escape your depressing, uneventful, bleak lives and log onto the internet, and even before your perverted little minds start racing to the freakish porn you so love to whack it to, you check the scoreboards. Not for your own teams, but to see how the most electrifying team in fantasy football history has done! You were all greeted with a decisive win this week; Your Welcome! So many people I want to thank, LT, you are finally coming back into form, Jericho Cotchery, I've always loved the name Jericho and this week you broke the walls down! Jay Cutler, not stellar but solid performance. Hell, Brett Favre had half of your 70 points Adama. The Big Guy has moved into first place in Division 2!

For the first time, possibly ever, I want to congratulate Geoff "Insert Your Zinger Here" Bell. Geoff had to deal with some major players having a bye week, which is actually his fault for not checking on that during the draft. But he surprised everyone and beat the lowly Bangalorians. Praveen, as of Monday at 10 30, you have 40 points! 40 points! Good lord kid, Justin had more this week. Geoff is going to walk away with a win and he doesn't need to score over fifty. You are an embarrassment, Praveen, an embarrassment to fantasy football managers everywhere. Leave the league bud, because I don't think your season is getting any better. Congratulations Geoff, you have for the first time in your life, exceeded expectations and are above average. You are above .500. Way to go bud. That's all for the Big Guy this week, and remember; If you can't be good, then be good at it!

Edit: I also want to congratulate Dan Zilske. Dan and I have assured that no one in this league will end the season undefeated. The Ice Man, apparently your team is just one single force of a man, has upset the previously undefeated and unchallenged Atl Underdawgs. It is once again anyone's league; as long as that anyone is me, baby, me!

Here We Go...

If dreams could fit into a real life situation tonight is the form they would take. While we are mere hours from what should be a very eventful evening with Kyle, I cannot divulge too much information. Well, then Big Guy, why are you blogging this afternoon? I am blogging to predict the week ahead in our fantasy football league. That's right, The Big Guy is adding a dimension to his award winning blog, (Named Best Fantasy Football Blog by both Popular Science and Boy's Life,) for the first time, predictions will be made. What to look for in the next week, and why my next opponent is terrible. Well maybe not all has changed and I promise, as always, to include a cheap shot at everyone's favorite loser Geoff "I Wish I Was Part of the Zach Attack on Saved by the" Bell.


Let me start off with predicting my game for the week, which pits the Most Electrifying Team in all of Fantasy Football; We Are Who You Thought We Were, versus the lowly, last place, almost as bad as Justin "Not So Smooth" Serillo's team, I'm talking about the racially agitating, Knowshon's Nig-Nogs. Like their coach James "My Future is as Clear as New York City's Water" Dulog in any situation, the Nig-Nogs are over-matched, outwitted, and outclassed. Dulog does have some things going for him; the freak Brandon Jacobs is playing well, Larry Johnson is going to get a lot of touches against the Dirty Birds, and Steven Jackson will be looking to make a statement against the Seahawks. That's all great but if I could take you back to the SATs and do an analogy for a minute it will prove why James and the Giant Peach will lose. Here we go...Jeff Garcia is to a job as James Dulog is to a win. Neither of them have one, now let's let you try a few; Jeff Garcia is to scoring points as James Dulog is to ____________. Jeff Garcia is to being named MVP as James Dulog is to ______________. Okay, put your pencils down, the answer I was looking for was beating Bert's amazing team this week. The connector was he won't, I would also have accepted, "waking up next to a girl without her screaming," or "succeeding," any of the above I would have accepted. But enough about James, he's having a bad year so far and it doesn't look as if the Mutts are going to be able to keep it together either.


Now onto the picks...


Game 1: Busch Leaguer vs. #24-4-Heisman (The actual Busch Leaguer)


Prediction: Busch Leaguers 88, Heisman -14
Yes, it's Kyle's big weekend, and it's Justin aka Frankenstein nightmare that is his life, he loses big in this one and fails to make it back to the status, that being the zero that is his future.


Game 2: Ice Man (Is your team actually one man? Like the Power Rangers form a huge beast that is the Ice Man?) vs Messa Vista Monkies (You do know it is spelled Monkeys right Arash?)


Prediction: Ice Man 95, Monkies (wow) 93
This one will be the closest of the week, but the abysmal offense of the Bucs will result in the big points of da Bears defense. Look for Hester to return a big one for 6. I also love the Witten and Romo selections. I do however love Arash's picture for his team's logo, priceless.


Game 3: Bangalore vs. I Get Money


Prediction: Bangalore 67, Get Money 64
The worst game of the week features our league manager and our beloved
Banglorian friend Praveen. I don't see ADP playing many downs and I see Rivers having a huge game. My only question, Praveen, why do you have so many awful quarterbacks? One is sufficient.


Game 4: PrimeTime vs. Brydgang? (I'm guessing you can't spell, but that would explain Syeth)


Prediction: PrimeTime 84, Brydgang 76
Bryan, welcome to the win column. Savor the flavor kid because it might not happen again.


Game 5: BWeezy vs. Atl Underdawgs


Prediction: Atl Underdawgs 108, BWeezy 101
Yes folks, its true, Murray stays undefeated and keeps pace with the league leader, which just happens to be the Big Guy. This is going to be a high scoring game
though, as I think Drew Brees and Terrell Owens have the chance to score in the 20s and the chance for BWeezy to have multiple touchdowns with Brees and have the recipients of those TDs in Shockey and Henderson, I can see an upset here. I'm sticking with Murray and Manning however, I also like Forte, oh and Marshawn Lynch is going to have perhaps the biggest week of anyone.


Well all of the games have been predicted, but I can't help to make this bold, BOLD prediction; even though Geoff has a bye this week, I think he might still find a way to get a loss, crowning him the all time biggest loser in fantasy football history! That's all for me today, and as always, if you can't be good, then be good at it.

Chalk It Up!

That's right ladies and underachievers, The Big Guy and his band of superiority was victorious in week 1. I know, I know, I played and Geoff and his gang of retards, but its a win nonetheless. I actually will stand up for the numb minded Geoff, he actually drafted an alright team. He just had one mistake, had he not started the Jets' receiver that Favre can't find, (or if he drafted the right Jets' receiver, which is what I did), and instead put in the high flying Hank Basket, he would have won. But in classic Geoff fashion, he made the wrong decisions and lost. If he only had a nickel for every time that's happened, Geoff would be able to own an actual NFL team.

But enough about Geoff, even though it's early Geoff may not have had the worst draft. So far all fingers point to my man; Justin "Not So Smooth" Serillo. With the third pick in this year's fantasy draft Justin selects his draft to go down in flames! It's over bud, it is over. Your team is like a failed STD test; it's just bad news. Your top earner is your defense, barely beating out two receivers. Wow, you scored 54 points last week which is actually the same as your IQ. Now you have left your team in the hands of David Garrard. Good fucking luck bud. You've got about as good a chance winning with that QB as DuLog does being happy in life. Justin if I were you I would kill myself, you have no hope of doing anything productive in the next year, and I'm not just talking about fantasy football. Your life is over pal.

Well, I have nothing else to rant about. I had a great weekend up in South Bend watching Notre Dame surviving an upset bid by the much feared San Diego State Aztecs. It was a great time and I'm in a great mood. I have high hopes for this season fellas, wish I could say the same for you.
Imag provided by Sports Illustrated's website.

The First of Many

Yes, it's true, sadly, but inevitably, true: I have started my own blog. Because I have found the ESPN League Office to be too small, too bland, and too Disney, I have created my own haven where I will be able to run my mouth freely about how terrible, inferior, and weak your teams are in comparison to the greatest team in the world: We Are Who You Thought We Were. I want to start by thanking Kyle Farrell, without his ingenious idea this blog would never exist. It does and his suggestion has created the most angelic, superficial, explosive blog on all of the Intranet. Thank you Kyle, thank you.

I also want to thank Geoff "I Don't Think I Could Lift a 5 Pound Dumb" Bell, because of you my team will be on the fast track to success. You will have the dubious honor of being my first win. Don't be ashamed Geoff, it will be the first of many, and may even be a close one since it is early and my best running...excuse the best running back in the game has yet to play an actual down of football yet. Yes, I'm talking about LT, the undisputed first pick of any and all drafts. I must say that unlike you Geoff, I relish the fact that I picked first and unlike your mother with a hung Mexican from Tijuana, I didn't blow it. I also would like to thank you Geoff because you will undoubtedly be the most picked on, most hated, and most heckled of all the fantasy football participants this way. It isn't planned like that, but like failure and yourself, it is a self-fulfilled prophecy. You just always seem to set yourself up for it.

Well, this has been an uneventful post, but I am gearing up to travel up to South Bend, Indiana to watch the beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish destroy the barbaric San Diego State Aztecs. Enjoy your Saturday Geoff, because your hang over is going to last an entire week, a week of me berating you with insults at how pathetic your team was in our game. The picture up top represents what I am going to do to you (In case you were wondering you are an exposed Rex Grossman).